Today is going to be hell.  I have so many issues in my life right now.  I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I'm so sick of drinking every night, but it helps to dull the pain.  I'm so heart sick.  The lonelier I feel, the less I eat.  I'm down to 114 now, so props to me for that.  Hopefully by the time I fly down to Scottsdale, I'll be back around 100.  I bet the guys would love it then.  I'm so confused on so many things.  I just don't understand why I have made some of the decisions that I've made.  I have really fucked a lot of things up for myself.  The shit is literally going to hit the fan one of the days, and I feel sorry for anyone who has to stand in the vicinity.  Things will get messy!  I've decided that I like a few different guys.  It sucks though, because I am in no fit condition to be dating anyone.  On the other hand though, I'm scared to death of being alone.  My biggest fear in life is that I am going to die alone or end up alone.  It really scares me a lot.  I haven't eaten yet today, just a piece of gum.  >5 cals.  I love it.  Dan's mom cooked me dinner last night, and I felt obligated to eat it.  I had 4 biscuits.  Oh my god, 4!  I bet if I go upstairs and get on the scale it's going to say 118... or loudly proclaim "Bethany Olson, you are such a fat ass."  Damn, I hate this.  I want so badly to be thin again.  I just feel so fat and pudgy.  I need to go running, but I don't want to do it alone.  Jim doesn't want to go very often, and he would smoke my ass.  He does like 6 miles a day.  I'm so depressed.  I feel like I'm falling down and not having the energy to pick myself up again.   I'm worried about going to a doctor for anti-depressants.  The last time I was on them, I was always so hungry.  I can't do that again.  Well, more to come later. 

Current Location: Laurel, MT
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Away From the Sun, 3 Doors Down